The Way We See Ourselves vs. the Lens of Everyone Else

Have you ever wondered how you actually show up — not in your own head, but in the mysterious, unpredictable world of everyone else’s perception? We think we’re confident, but someone somewhere thinks we’re arrogant. We believe we’re collaborative, but others might find us… “selectively team-oriented.” We aim to communicate clearly, yet somewhere, someone’s whispering, “I heard the words, but not quite the message.”

It’s tough when you’ve built your professional brand on a strength and someone gently (or not so gently) says, “Uh, no… that’s not quite how people see you.” That kind of feedback hits like realizing you’ve been singing confidently off-key at karaoke all night.

Man looking through magnified lens

The Feedback Reality Check

So how do you close the gap between how you think you show up and how others actually experience you? As simple as it sounds — you ask.

But not your “ride-or-die” friend who would rather compliment your presentation slides than tell you they didn’t understand a word of it. You ask the people who will give you real feedback — the ones brave enough to hand you a mirror instead of a megaphone.

Of course, this is where vulnerability enters the chat. You can’t ask for feedback and then argue with it. That’s like ordering the “truth special” and then sending it back to the kitchen. Once people learn that honesty leads to defensiveness, they’ll stop serving it to you entirely.

Instead, treat feedback like an unfiltered data set — don’t judge each individual comment; look for the trends. Are multiple people saying you interrupt too much, struggle with delegation, or communicate in riddles? That’s your cue. One person’s opinion might be bias. Five people saying the same thing? That’s a pattern — and probably a gift.

The Perception Gap Trap

Here’s where it gets interesting: the gap between self-perception and external perception usually isn’t caused by bad intentions — it’s caused by blind spots. We judge ourselves by our intentions, but others judge us by our impact.

You meant to sound decisive, but they heard dismissive. You intended to be helpful, but they felt micromanaged. You thought you were being efficient, but someone else saw it as cold.

It’s like speaking two different dialects of the same language — you think you’re crystal clear, but your tone, timing, or delivery changed the entire meaning. And unless you ask, you’ll never know the translation error that’s holding back your growth.

Why It Matters

Whether you like it or not, people around you are constantly writing the story of you. They’re defining your professional brand in ways you can’t control — unless you’re paying attention.

If the circulating story is that you’re “hard to work with,” no number of times you proclaim “I’m collaborative!” will change the plot. In fact, the more you say it, the more it starts to sound like a campaign slogan.

And let’s be honest — if you have to tell people you’re something (“I’m so humble,” “I’m such a great listener”), chances are you’re already overcompensating.

Here are three possible ways to land this point:

1. Funny: “Your actions do the talking; your mouth is just the intern trying to keep up.”

2. Punchy: “Your actions do the talking; your words are just the subtitles.”

3. Reflective: “Your actions tell the real story — and everyone else is reading it, whether you meant them to or not.”

   
   

Closing the Gap

So, take a deep breath and seek out those who make you a little uncomfortable — the ones who will tell you what you need to hear, not just what you want to hear. It’s not easy for someone to give constructive feedback — it’s like trying to gift-wrap a cactus — but those who do are worth keeping close.

When you start to hear consistent feedback, don’t rush to defend yourself. Ask for examples, context, and clarity. Sometimes what people are reacting to isn’t what you do, but how it lands. Once you know that, you can adjust your delivery without changing your core values.

Leadership isn’t about being a different person to please everyone; it’s about understanding how your presence impacts others and making sure it aligns with your purpose. That’s emotional intelligence in action — not perfection, but perception with awareness.